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29th-Feb-2004 04:57 am - utter confusion
Grass
is there a way to talk to people and friends about Your problems without coming off as a whiney bitch?
is this a skill i am completely devoid of itor does everyone just soundd all emo and such?
29th-Feb-2004 04:36 am - the world.
Grass
for all the fucking talk about how guys just try to hook up with girls and dont really care anything about them, there isnt enough blame put on girls who do the exact same thing. i dont want to take the approach of fuck feelings and just use people, but im closer to that over the last few years than i ever thought i would be. see in a movie this is where i would end up meeting a girl to change my mind over the course of time until we have a fight and are forced to realize we belong together. fuck movies!
like how im talking to an important part of my life, we feel alike right now, and thats were the train called reality veers horribly off track.
22nd-Feb-2004 03:11 pm - eh
Grass
finally got my laptop i hate fucking best buy.
short post.
fucking nhl center ice wont come in. god damn cable company.
watching espn classics now, 1994 cup finals game 7. rangers beat the chanucks.
dont know if the cable company is open today. kind of want to complain and yell.
proably put pants on.
debating whether or not to get serious in this thing.
have some thoughts that have creeped me the hell out recently.
want to get lip and eyebrow pierced, eh ill procrastinate like usual.
finished now.
11th-Feb-2004 07:46 pm(no subject)
Grass
fucking kazaa lite fucking rocks. havent used it in a while, but just reinstalled it.
i stopped using it because i couldnt find anything i wanted.
i just found tonyall and descendents "shattered milo" and bowlign for soup
kazaa is still shady, but You should go out and try to find Kazaa Lite K++ (klitekpp241e.exe).
11th-Feb-2004 07:39 pm(no subject)
Grass
i hate best buy. i bought a laptop 28-Aug. by 21-Dec it had already died so they took it for 12 days until 2-Jan when they said nothing was wrong with it, bastards. so come 18-Jan the problem got worse and it wouldnt boot at all. so they were suppose to have it for 24 days--17 business days. so finaly today, 11-Feb, i call best buy. the guy at the store tells me, "it says it just got back to our service center, so give it about a week and it should be here." my response, "another god damn week?" the bastard, "yeah." so i call 1-888-best-buy to complain and they tell me about the information about my laptop. "its showing its still in repair, i guess theyre waiting for a part or something." "so You cant tell me how much longer?" "no." so it looks like another week, meaning best buy/compaq will have had my laptop for 43 of the last 59 days. i mean its not like i bought the laptop because i wanted to use it or anything.

should be at class, didnt go for the second straight week; hope i dont miss anythinhg important.

went to Sirens yesterday they didnt have the new descendents ep. i was going to try best buy today when i went to pick up my laptop but that didnt happen now did it. arg, i want that ep, its now been two days since it debut.

okay 1st and 2nd best live record is one album/2 cds. all plus one. one cd all live, one cd descendents live. had the cd for a while, but i was listening to it today and forgot how good it was.
3. Screeching Weasel - Thank You Very Little
4. Face To Face - Face To Face
5. Ramones

looks like lyric time today is all all. Teresaaaa!
----------------------------------------------------

what if i we could just talk it over
if only we could somehow find a way
maybe we could just start all over
if only we weren't breakin' up today

i think about the good times
forget about the bad
i think about the love we tried to make
and what we had
i remember the love, and lies, and promises
i remember everything
i remember way too much


what if i we could just talk it over
if only we could somehow find a way
maybe we could just start all over
if only we weren't breakin' up today

today we pull ourselves together
and rip ourselves apart
so many lies, and ties to sever
we don't know where to start

it's not worth us trying to save it
and it never was
there's no way we can make it work
when we couldn't even let it work

i though that i could move on to someone new
but i've never loved or hated anyone but You
what if i'd been good to You?
what if i'd been true to You?
what if we weren't breakin' up today?


today we pull ourselves together
and rip ourselves apart
so many lies, and ties to sever
we don't know where to start

what if i we could just talk it over
if only we could somehow find a way
maybe we could just start all over
if only we weren't breakin' up today
if only we weren't breakin' up today
if only we weren't breakin' up today

-- All "Breakin' Up"
-----------------------------

if i could i would but You know
i can't lie to You
if i could i'd say
if You say so then i'll say yes


the sun burns so bright
i can't see the hurt in Your eyes
the moon buries itself behind the clouds
i can't tell what You're thinking about

will You let me stay for awhile
don't forget me please don't cry
just hold me close
don't let go until i say so

will You think of me when You smile
do old memories bring tears to Your eyes
just hold me close
don't let go until i say so


if You would then i would be here for You
when You need me
if You would then i would not do the things
that made You leave me


the stars flash and burn out
but i feel Your eyes burn into me
the rainbow brightens up the day
and leaves me hanging on to a few words to say

will You let me stay for awhile
don't forget me please don't cry
just hold me close
don't let go until i say so

will You think of me when You smile
do old memories bring tears to Your eyes
just hold me close
don't let go until i say so

You only cross my mind every second everyday
i need to unwind before i fade away

will You let me stay for awhile
don't forget me please don't cry
just hold me close
don't let go until i say so

will You think of me when You smile
do old memories bring tears to Your eyes

just hold me close
don't let go until i say so

-- All "Until I Say So"
--------------------------------

Once upon a time i thought i couldn't live without You
fifteen years gone, i've come a long way without You

and if we ever meet again i got a piece of You my friend
i carry You with me

i see You now, we've got nothing in common
we've come a long way from Buckhorn and Top Ramen

But i remember every fight, every crazy naked night
i carry You with me

i carry You with me
to every unfamiliar skyline that i see
You're there enshrined in memory
where friendship never dies

i carry ou with me

every evening every day
every moring D.O.A.
so much left unsaid
that well never get to say


'Cause high skool drop outs dont go to reunions
whats the point? im under no delusions

i wonder wherever You are today
do You carry me the way
i carry You with me?
i carry You with me


-- All "Carry You"
9th-Feb-2004 11:16 pm(no subject)
Grass
i hate people.
what is fun though, messages from people that while im drunk--like now--feel are complete and utter idiots. the type of persons whos mother should have--if there was a god--fallen down some stairs.
ill leave it at that.

paper due. really should be righting it, but ill do it, i have 24.5 hours. talking to people, or was they seem to have left.

Nica came back to west chester for the second time, and also for the second time we never got around to hanging out. didnt see miracle either.

daily show today was good, whole bush thing, including, the george w bush drinking gme; every time he says danger. dangerous, madman, etc. take a drink.
i hate celebirties. i hate janet and timberlake and bush and kerry. saw the newest incubus video this weekend; lost a lot of respect for them--beyond the selling out to get more of an audiance. it came off as offensive. i hate bush as much as anyone. but bands like incubus are no better. they compared bush to hitler! explain! okay the war, boo yeha i know; no wmd, ohhhh; but hes no hitler. theoretically even if he killed a lot of iraqis, sadam killed a lot more. the problem is hes a puppet, an idiot, and loyal to money--but so is everyone. so ill say we may have done a good thing by taking out sadam but there are at least four other political heads around the world that fit the same description and were not doing anything about it--consistency!

got sucked into caring again, i hate that. we cant do anything, whats the point. i vote; eh so. fucking suburban values. fuck it all go do somethign but no. i have something else to say but eh im getting distracted. why care. people get upset over cbs not airing bush in 30 seconds and what not, but the friends of mine that have mentioned it to me surprise every now and then when they dont drowl on themselves.

get new descendents ep tomorrow.
Grass
okay first off, there are lyrics--at the bottom--but theres more than just those so i kept my promise; two of them are because i read a friends journal and had to listen to the cure and smiths afterwards. but so lets start this horrible venture in the unknown.

so last night was mattersons birthday. alcohol. yeah my throat really hurts and i dont know why. so i had a good time last night. steve h, steve t, beca, heather, john, and luara showed up--chilled for a while. then after most people had left two of the germans from west chester showed up. it was a time. we got pretty drunk. then kristin(e) and i fell asleep together. i dont know how i feel about this. i mean i dont want to presume anything but i think if i had any balls at all we might not have just fell asleep.

{screen ripples for self-reflective soliloquy}

so i realized that this has become a reoccuring theme in my life--missed opportunities. this is especially true when it comes to girls. this oliloquy will be of exemplifaction manor--exclusion of one example--so You poor fools reading this, lets get started (girls in no specific order).

girl 1:
first girlfriend, i was young and didnt really want to tell people out right we were going out. so i think it came of as me not being interested. well i found out i had lost Her when She went to maryland to go to some guys school dance. we never really connected after that--i never really made an attempt--and we havent seen each other in many years. so this one--as usual was all my doing--if i would have recognized what was happening and evaluate my stupidity then things would be much different.

girl 2:
this girl always seemed really cool to me. i tried to get to know Her in school but it never really happened. so this girl exited my life, but unlike the previous example, She reentered my life. again She drew my interest and this time i got to know Her and talk with a lot. the problem here was that i am easily intimidated and with Her i especially was. She was so smart and could think for Herself nad knew all sorts of random things--went well with my knowing of random things. my position was it just had no chance; who was i to assume i was as smart as this girl. well it turned out this was a limited opportunity again for She found another and is happy, so thats cool.

girl 3:
there were a lot of circumstances to this one. She was my friends roommate and from the beginning we hit it off. the relationship between my friend and Her turned sour and made everything bad. if i had made Her seem more important to me...i talk to her every once and a while still. (well that was vague)

girl 4:
this girl and i never went out. we hooked up numerous times but nothing meaningful it seemed. i wanted it to be meaningful and so did She. from talking with Her over the last month i learned that it was a bunch of misunderstanding of one to the other that poisoned us. this one was doomed; the girl was like me, akward and insecure--kind of.

{end transmission}

okay so there You go. i sound like a whiney bitch. eh, emo, what can i say. yeah ill try to think in depth and not be salking next time, but no promises. who reads this anyway? i know of two people and i think i understand how bored they must be to venture to this thing. apparently i like the word venture. okay doing something with my throat now.

{insert horn solo from stevie wonders "thats what friends are for}
what movie was this song in?


A hole that big
i'd never seen before
in the tummy of a good ol' boy who always wanted more
Then just yesterday
i saw him satisfied
It seems He'd met the hole fixin' man, much to His surprise

But are You for real?
Mr. Hole Fixin' Man, You fixed my friend can You fix me?
Hey Mr. Hole Fixin' Man, i'm as broken as a boy can be
so how 'bout fixin' me?

And all the charms
that never were enough
it seems the hole was always twice as big no matter what it was
but to see Him now
is almost to believe
that maybe Mr. Hole Fixin' Man might have what i need


But are You for real?
Mr. Hole Fixin' Man, You fixed my friend can You fix me?
Hey Mr. Hole Fixin' Man, i'm as broken as a boy can be
so how 'bout fixin' me?

Mr. Hole Fixin' Man, He says You died on Calvary
Hey Mr. Hole Fixin' Man, if You've got proof i will believe
so how 'bout fixin' me

Won't You please,
won't You please.
Start by fixin' me, start by fixin' me.

-- Pedro The Lion "Whole"


Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're Young and alive
Driving in Your car
i never never want to go home
Because i haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because i want to see people and i
Want to see life
Driving in Your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and i'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by Your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by Your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, i don't care
i don't care, i don't care
And in the darkened underpass
i thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and i
Just couldn't ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, i don't care
i don't care, i don't care
Driving in Your car
i never never want to go home
Because i haven't got one, da
Oh, i haven't got one


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by Your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by Your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out

-- The Smiths "There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out"


i've been looking so long at these pictures of You
That i almost believe that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of You
That i almost believe that the pictures are
All i can feel


Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As i ran to Your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding You close
How i always held close in Your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And You finally found all Your courage
To let it all go

Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of Your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how You used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But i never see anything


If only i'd thought of the right words
i could have held on to Your heart
If only i'd thought of the right words
i wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of You

Looking so long at these pictures of You
But i never hold on to Your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of You

There was nothing in the world
That i ever wanted more
Than to feel You deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That i ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of You

-- The Cure "Pictures Of You"
7th-Feb-2004 04:11 am - i promise more than song lyrics soon
Grass
the sirens woke me up again
i know they're coming for me someday just a matter of when
count to 25 and yawn
touch the clock and turn my back against the dawn
and hope for that one dream of hardware stores
with checkered floors and buckets full with nails
we're floating effortless over the apartment to the boat
im rowing past the office windows

mother, mother may i cry
father will you teach me how to die the right way someday
i don't want a second chance to turn my suttering reluctance into romance
with these documents and kindergarten anthems with my drunken liturgies
tune the fm into static and pretend its the sea

but forward fumbles for the microphone
You should of known
You should of known

-- Weakerthans "The Prescience Of Dawn"


Let the waitress put the chairs up,

let the glasses that She broke
form a picture of our leader
with a halo made of smoke

Let the golden oldies station
crackle and come through
With a final benediction
we'll hum along to
Before we say goodnight

Let our talk about the ball game
and the weather show we care

Like a sound we didn't notice
until it stopped and left us there

With the traffic and our heartbeats
beating in straight time
let our hatred and affection
march in the same line
Before we say goodnight

Oh, protect our secret handshake
once more with feeling
Let the toast to absent members
push through the ceiling
Before we say goodnight

-- Weakerthans "Benediction"


Her finger traced i love You
In the palm of my hand
That's still the only time
My belly's ever hit the floor like that


Your feet in my lap
We drove the past
Knowing we would turn around again

Tell her i'm not sorry
Mention my Ferrari
Just don't tell her that
i miss Her
She wanted in
i wanted out
And that's the last thing we talked about

Remember how our hands matched
Love lines, same size
i guess i should have checked
To the lifelines were in line

i called on the phone
You still felt alone
And talked about the songs that made You cry


-- Bowling For Soup "Cold Shower Tuesdays"


i don't wanna say anything, speechless i think
if i had to wake, then i'd drink
but You're right here, can You defy my stare
if i can keep my cool we'll have a swinging time
didn't take that long to know that things would get real weird
weird is in the making, that's my fear
truth be said, i really miss Your smile
missing it a while, hell it's been years

when You're here, You're so beautiful my dear
if i can keep my cool we'll have a swinging time
but i'm wasting here, just failing my dear
failing here alone with stupid pride

i can't pretend i really don't care at all
really don't care at all right now, for a while
truth be said, i really miss your smile
i've been missing it a while, it's been years
hung on you for years, a bit too much i fear
hung on you for years, a bit too much i fear my dear
well i barely knew You, took so long to meet You
should've never kissed You, happy birthday

-- Armchair Martian "Someday In January"
6th-Feb-2004 02:47 am - i remember
Grass
last night i remembered something more vividly than i thought i could.
i remembered the first conversation.
i remembered the listening of music while we talked.
i remembered the blankness of my mind during the first sight.
i remembered the akwardness of the first meeting.
i remembered the haulting of time; the lake.
i remembered the house; the room; the boring movie.
i remembered Your favorite cd.
i remembered the letters.
i remembered the park.
i remembered the stupidity.
i remembered the end.

** 4:30 AM 7-Feb-04 **
** If this came off as depressing it wasn't suppose to.
** it actually came from a great vivid dream.
Grass
its always great to realize someone who was the greatest thing in life not too long ago--few years, needs to be reminded that You are around...somewhere, eh. wish i had something intersting to say. its one, snow fucking everywhere, need a smoke theyre at matts, grrrrrr.


(man) Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs
and repair this broken heart that You're deserting for better company?
i can't accept that it's over: i will block the door
like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter
of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
and i swear i'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
than making You my bride and slowly growing old together

(woman) i feel i must interject here, You're getting carried away,
feeling sorry for Youself with these revisions and gaps in history.
So let me help You remember. i've made charts
and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go
(man) i can't my darling i love You so.
(both) oh ohhhh

(man) Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
than making You my bride and slowly growing old together
(woman) don't You feed me lines about some idealistic future
[(man) Tell me am i right]
Your heart won't heal right if You keep tearing out the sutures
[(man) Tell me am i right]

(man) i admit that I have made mistakes
and i swear i'll never wrong you again
(woman) You've got a lure i can't deny,
but You've had Your chance so say goodbye,
say goodbye

-- The Postal Service "Nothing Better"
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